My encounter with Time Warner Cable Chat Support – or – don’t be this support person

Here is my transcript from a recent chat support with Time Warner Cable.  It is so unbelievable that I had to post it.  Enjoy, and know that Time Warner chat support is here to help us all.

nfo: Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable. A representative will be with you shortly.
info: You are now chatting with (TW REP).
info: ** Please do not share credit card information in this window. If credit card information is required, the agent will push a separate and secure form to you. **
(TW REP): I will be providing you with a link and this will re-connect us if the chat is disconnected
(TW REP): Hello XXXX.
(TW REP): How are you today?
You: My modem just died. Will not power up, happened after the outage last night. How can I get this fixed?
(TW REP): I apologize for the inconvenience you have been through.
(TW REP): Let me check once and see If I can find a solution to it.
(TW REP): I would try my best to help you with the issue resolution.
(TW REP): Please update me the current modem light status.
You: no lights… it wont power up.. It is dead
(TW REP): Okay
(TW REP): Please give me 2 minutes while I go through your account.
(TW REP): Apologies, it’s taking me time to research on this. I should be done in another 2 minutes.
You: ok
(TW REP): In the future, if the error says your ID is locked, please note that it will be re-enabled automatically within 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, please reset your password using the “Forgot Password” option and you should be able to log in without issues.
(TW REP): Thank you.
You: what???
You: what does your response have anything to do with a modem that wont power up??
(TW REP): I have checked your account and modem statsu.
(TW REP): *status.
You: so what does logging in have to do with anything? My account isnt locked out
(TW REP): It seems that the modem is not assigned a IP address.
(TW REP): I am sorry, that was a typo by mistake.
You: NO KIDDING… it wont power up… no power, cant turn on
You: no lights
You: broken
(TW REP): The IP address is not assigned to your modem Internet network.
(TW REP): May I know the error message you are getting while accessing Internet?
You: OK, how would a modem have an ip assigned to it if it doesnt even turn on?
You: what part of NOT TURNING ON do you not understand
You: there are no lights coming on
You: there is no response from it at all
(TW REP): Let me inform, you can access Internet from that modem only when the IP address is assigned.
You: probably because the MODEM wont power up
(TW REP): From my tools the status shows that there are no modem IP address found.
You: the MODEM will not turn on. If it cannot turn on then it cannot get an IP address
You: just like in your house if the light is unplugged you cant turn it on…
(TW REP): Please give me two minutes to run diagnostics on the equipment.
You: Ok… I bet a million dollars it will say it cant connect to the modem
You: you know why?
You: Because it wont turn on
(TW REP): Yes, I understand that the modem is not turning On.
(TW REP): You can receive the Internet signals from TWC Servers only when there is an IPv4 assigned to your modem through TWC Servers
(TW REP): I will update you within 2-3 minutes.
You: oh, so it will turn on and have power after that?
(TW REP): Yes, you are right
You: ok, go for it
(TW REP): Thank you.
(TW REP): I have sent a data string signal to the modem now. This will trigger the equipment to perform action including refreshing services.
(TW REP): This signal codes to the modem will reaffirm connection with the server.
You: how long should I wait?
(TW REP): Please reboot the modem now by performing the below steps.
(TW REP): 1. Please unplug the power cords and all cables connected to modem.
(TW REP): 2. Wait for 30 seconds.
(TW REP): 3. Then plug in all the cables and power cords.
(TW REP): 4. Wait until the modem is turned On and make sure that all the cables are hooked up tightly and properly.
You: all cables are hooked up, tightly
(TW REP): Is the modem rebooting now?
You: no
You: no lights on
You: power light is not lighting up
(TW REP): Can I schedule a technician visit for this issue to be resolved?
You: will it be today?
(TW REP): If there was any way Online I would have take care of your issue.
(TW REP): As the modem is not turning and IP address not assigned , we need a technician to address and isolate the issue from outside cable lines.
(TW REP): The earliest available time slot is between: 3-4PM on Saturday May 30 2015
You: wow..
You: so, a modem wont power up and we will need a technician to come out and check this all out?
You: how about replacing the modem??
(TW REP): Yes, you can replace the modem from nearest local Store.
(TW REP): However, our technicians will arrive and provide you complete resolution.
(TW REP): And If the issue is with the modem, they will replace the modem for you instantly.
You: instantly? Instantly Saturday. I cannot be with out internet for that long. I use it for work
(TW REP):…/internet-troubleshooting.h…
You: so thats it
You: I will go to the nearest store.
(TW REP): Okay, I appreciate your understanding and patience.
(TW REP): I apologize for not helping you completely.
(TW REP): The issue will be resolved very sooner.
You: for some reason I doubt it
(TW REP): Okay, I understand.
You: yet another reason for cutting the cord
(TW REP): As you are able to access the Cable TV services the outside cable line connection are perfect I think so.
(TW REP): Might be the Internet cable lines being bad.
You: BTW – the phone support said it is a bad modem and that it needs to be replaced. Because, it wont power up.
(TW REP): Sure, you can either visit the local store or else I can schedule a technician visit for Saturday.
You: social media will love this….
You: goodbye